Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book as a gift, but all opinions expressed in this review are my own.
If you’ve ever looked at a parenting website, it’s not unusual to see advice or jokes focused on the toll parenthood can take on a couple’s sex life. In fact, it’s such an obvious reality for most parents that there doesn’t seem to be much guilt or stigma involved in trying to improve your sex life after having kids.
While I am now a parent of three small children (who certainly do impact our sex life!) I can honestly tell you that my partner and I began facing issues with our intimate relationship well before becoming parents. It began when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) at the age of 25. Being diagnosed with a lifelong chronic illness influenced my self-esteem, impacted my energy levels, caused extreme pain in numerous joints, and even shifted the dynamics of our relationship as he assumed more of a caregiver role.
Even though chronic illness is quite common (the CDC says 6 in 10 adults in the U.S. have a chronic disease, and 4 in 10 have two or more chronic diseases) when I was first diagnosed I simply couldn’t find anyone one who was discussing the impact of chronic illness on intimacy in an open and positive manner, let alone offering suggestions or solutions. And in the 12 years that I have lived with chronic illness since, I have never had a single doctor proactively ask about my sex life. Even when I brought up the idea of getting pregnant, I never had a doctor ask whether I faced any physical or psychological challenges when it came to sex.
So, I started writing about sex and intimacy myself. I didn’t really have any answers, but I thought that by sharing my own experiences – “out loud,” as it were – that maybe I could help others realize they weren’t alone or strange or broken if they were dealing with similar issues.
As I continued my own search for answers, I was lucky to have the opportunity to attend a talk by Iris Zink at the 2016 American College of Rheumatology Annual Meeting. A rheumatology nurse practitioner, it was clear that Ms. Zink truly cared about the issues her patients were facing when it came to intimacy. Her presentation was helped along by a healthy dose of humor (including a Wonder Woman costume and using a vibrator as a pointer!) and I left her talk wishing that more patients could have access to providers who considered intimacy an important part of quality of life, and that more resources existed to help chronic illness patients improve their sex lives.
Now there’s a book to make both of my wishes come true: Sex – Interrupted: Igniting Intimacy While Living With Illness Or Disability. With the help of Jenny Thorn Palter, former editor of Lupus Now magazine, Ms. Zink has written a book that recognizes the intimacy issues chronic illness patients often face and offers useful suggestions for healthcare providers and patients alike.
The overall tone of the book is friendly and conversational, but the facts and recommendations are clearly backed by copious research. The book contains discussions about the impact of self-esteem on libido, provides a great list of alternatives to intercourse, and points out important distinctions in how men and women generally approach sex. It also includes direct examples of sexual dysfunction that can be related to autoimmune diseases, and has an amazing metaphor for taking the stigma away from the use of sex toys.
I will warn that some of the advice in the book seems to be aimed at older individuals, which I have often found frustrating in the past. As someone diagnosed in my youth, I truly disliked advice that seemed to insinuate I should simply accept the impacts of old age well before my time. However, in this book, I think including issues faced by older individuals is part of the overall attempt to point out that there is nothing wrong with facing challenges in your intimate life – and that a very large percentage of the population is likely to experience these issues at some point in their lives.
By far my favorite part of the book is that it is sprinkled with true stories, both experiences Ms. Zink has had with her patients and even some from her personal life. I loved how these examples normalized issues that can feel so uncomfortable or embarrassing, and how the stories served as models of how a conversation with your healthcare provider on this subject might go. My first conclusion was that I wished Ms. Zink could be the nurse waiting for me – waiting for all of us! – on the other side of the exam room door! But as she clearly can’t look after all of us in person, I’m so grateful that she’s taken the time to write this book full of advice for initiating this important discussion with your own healthcare provider and with your partner. And for those who still aren’t getting the support they need? She has an extensive list of other resources for you to investigate too.
You can learn more at www.intimacyandillness.com.
While this book has excellent advice on making changes to your sex life for the purposes of increasing intimacy in your relationship, it unfortunately does not address how to face the challenges of sex for the purpose of trying to conceive. Click here to check out my conversation with Iris Zink, where we discuss the topic of sex for conception specifically!
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