When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, most of us have been told time and time again that communication is crucial. Every relationship has ups and downs, and good communication is key to getting through conflicts and building a stronger partnership. We need to communicate so our partners can understand our ideas, thoughts, feelings, and desires.
But while communication is essential in any relationship, it’s especially important in a relationship where one partner is living with a chronic illness. A lifelong diagnosis can change the dynamics of a relationship. It can alter the roles that each partner needs to play going forward. It can create additional challenges that you’ll need to figure out how to address – together.
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 25. My husband and I weren’t married at the time, but we had been together for a few years. Since then we’ve married, had three kids, and worked hard to make good communication a priority.
We want to be able to address conflicts, try to cooperate through difficult times, and understand each other’s needs. Being open and honest with one another helps us face my chronic illness as part of a team, with a united front, and hopefully grow even stronger as a couple in the process.
I wish I could say we sorted out communication issues a decade ago when I was originally diagnosed, but unfortunately that isn’t the case. Improving communication in a relationship isn’t really a one-time thing – it’s an issue we’re constantly working on. So we’re always happy to find tools that might aid us in the process.
The 5 Love Languages theory
I have to admit, when I first heard about the idea of love languages, I wasn’t remotely interested – it sounded super cheesy! But when my doctor and my therapist each recommended the idea separately, I decided to take a closer look.
The 5 Love Languages is a book written by Gary Chapman in 1995. I still haven’t personally read the book, but I learned about the love languages theory on his website. And while I have read and thoroughly disagree with some of Chapman’s other work (which I find to be unfortunately very misogynistic, blaming the wife for relationship issues that should clearly be shared by both partners), I do still think his love languages can be a useful tool.
Here’s the general theory: there are five distinct “love languages” that people use not only to express love but also to experience it. Chapman’s theory is that people tend to naturally give love the way they prefer to receive it. This means if you and your partner prefer to receive love in different ways, you may essentially be trying to communicate love to each other in different languages.
Figuring out your primary love language
Here’s a brief overview of Chapman’s 5 different love languages:
- Words of affirmation – you need words to affirm your partner’s love
- Acts of service – actions speak louder than words for you
- Receiving gifts – you feel most loved when you receive thoughtful gifts
- Quality time – you need your partner to give you their undivided attention
- Physical touch – nothing speaks more deeply to you than touch.
There’s a free online quiz you can use to determine your primary love language and how you personally rank the five different languages overall.
What we learned about our love languages
My husband and I took the online quiz to see how our love languages lined up – and what we learned was pretty interesting. We both ranked “receiving gifts” as the least important, so at least we had something in common! But for the rest of the categories, our love languages turned out to be in completely reverse order.
I ranked “acts of service” and “words of affirmation” as my primary and secondary love languages. I think living with a chronic illness for ten years has had an impact on how I prefer to receive love – what I find most important is help getting things done and confirmation that I am worthy of love. And it made sense that “physical touch” ranked near the bottom for me, as my arthritis can often make it painful to be touched or touch my partner.
My husband, on the other hand, ranked “physical touch” and “quality time” as his primary and secondary love languages. And, just as I had his primary love language in fourth place, he had my primary love language, “acts of service” in his fourth-place spot.
These results helped us realize that sometimes we maybe be missing each other’s messages, which helped in two ways. First, it became easier to see and understand expressions of love from each other. For example, I realized that what seemed like a simple shoulder rub to me was actually an expression of love on his part. Knowing that “physical touch” is his primary love language helped me try to appreciate his touch as a meaningful expression of love.
Secondly, understanding that we prefer to receive love in different ways has encouraged us both to make more of an effort to express love in the other’s preferred language. For example, while my husband certainly appreciates a clean house and a hot dinner when he gets home from work, what matters more to him is being welcomed by a hug and a kiss. And while I appreciate the shoulder rub, he knows that what really makes me feel loved is for him to unload the dishwasher or do something else to take the pressure of me.
While I certainly don’t think the five love languages are a solution to every communication problem in a relationship, for us they have served as a useful tool for improving communication. And considering the complications we face from my chronic illness and raising three kids, we’ll take all the help we can get!
